WHAT IF?

Since turning 50ish after almost 3 years ago now, I could and would have experienced a new midlife crisis which I have always thought of what could have been or the feeling of regret of doing or not doing something about it. How have I done so far?
If I have chosen some decisions before when I was young, would my life be much better today? Would my life be richer or be more fulfiling? I don't know the answers, but, I can't help asking myself now in an age where I question where my life would be going from now on.

What if I handled my love life more seriously and not by just breaking off suddenly without no real reason or thinking an affair would last more than one summer without even working hard at it and feel sad to being dumped myself? Would I have done them differently? And if I do, so now, I wouldn't be so guilty. What if I have not lost my high school bestfriends thru death, one who have to move abroad and one out of my no effort to stay in contact with. These goes through my head once in a while.

Another if is: What if I stuck it out with my Engineering course in college, maybe I could have a better career and job advancement and fulfillness than I what I now am doing which is very far from what I was trained. Or from what my two brothers have accomplished successfully in chosen fields. I envy them that they find joy with their work.

My other regrets involve being estranged from my family and siblings. Especially since moving here almost 21 years ago. I feel this strongly when both Mommy and Daddy have serious medical problems one year apart and that I couldn't physically and financially help as much I would have wanted. I also missed sharing many lost moments with my cousins, nephews, nieces, aunties and uncles who had shown me before nothing but kindness and unconditional love and understanding. And I thnking would I be able to see them again? Have I made the right decision in coming here early?

Lastly, sometimes I question about my disappointed at myself. Would it turn out better if I have been more decisive? Would my life be more satisfying if I was more stable in choosing the right course? Would my son have turn out more disciplined if I was more often during his formative years instead of being far working in some disgusting places to earn that mighty dollar. Although I also think that I have not done so bad and with my dignity and others and my respect in me sill intact.

All the answers to these questions, some of them I know before and some answers I now only realized or learned, I will touch on in my next post. If you find these boring, my apologies. But, there are good benefits why I mentioned these thoughts in my blog. So you say: "What's next?" Find out next time. In the meantime, I'l see you Friday Chat Time. Hope you're there!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

It's already the tenth day of the year and 355 days to go till 2009. This Rat Year's started very fast. All I can remember's waiting for the countdown on the Eve, then the NY party went back to work the next three days, then it was a weekend again and by tomorrow it will be Friday again. All along I forgot to make any New Year's resolutions which I do every year, but, tend to break them a month after. So much for change even there are nothing bad to change in me. Yabang ano? I have been good
last year. Actually, there's one resolution I want to make and that is to remember to greet you guys on your special or not so special events. Know that I try and know too that you are always on my mind. Oh, and another resolution: to go to confession, even once a year, preferably during Lenten season. So that every Communion I take on Sundays will really be meaningful.

But, I don't have to wait for Lent, I will confess that I, Nette and Gino for that matter, didn't go and hear Mass on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day or New Year's, which is actually Mama Mary's birthday, too. And that never happened to me before. And I feel awful about it. The cold weather, the preparation for our party and the drive to Astrid's house were not the excuses. There was no excuse but plain laziness. I can't forgive myself for it, but, I guess the Monsignior (aka Daddy) will. Too late now and I always think about it. How could I? If only I could have been stronger in my religious practice. If only I could make up for them. All of these comes to regrets. And that will be the topic of my next post.

I don't want to spoil your New Year with my rantng. I only want to let it out my chest. I only want to be loved--drama ano? To be understood, so much as to understand others. On my 10 days of my life this year, I want to feel better at mysef. Because if I don't, I would be a fake--which I'm certainly not one. What you see in me is who I am. Not plastic. Maybe boring, but what you get from me is sincerity. It will still be a good year for all of us, especially Gwen and John and Kuya's family. Do you agree?